Relationships are hard.
There are 101 things that make being an adult an adjustment. And then you add another adult into the mix making it even more of a challenge. Now, put both adults who are having a hard time “adulting” and make them cohabit: share a bed, a bathroom, groceries, bills and possibly even a bank account. And we often wonder why we even chose a relationship to begin with! I won’t even mention adding tiny humans, as I’m sure you get the picture.
I’m an extremely visual person. I imagine my life like a book.
Maybe it’s the writer in me, but I envision that “staying on the same page” in a relationship is often our life’s work. There are lots of events that make that difficult.
Like the time you landed your first job, but your best friend didn’t. That was hard.
Or when you were able to go on your first paid vacation, but your brother or sister had to take the pay cut for that family vacation. That was hard.
Or when you got laid off and you were no longer able to contribute to the family income. That was really hard.
If we aren’t careful, this is where resentment can creep in, and we all know where that leads.
Sometimes the events are less obvious. These seem to be the ones that wreak the most havoc because they’re subtle.
One day you wake up, and you’re in a whole new chapter but have no clue what just happened or how you got there.
I notice that my husband and I turn our pages at different speeds, and I often find myself trying to turn his pages for him. That’s kind of the worst by the way; I wouldn’t suggest that.
Most of the time, we don’t even realize what’s happening until the friction is there and we have to work even harder to “get back on the same page.”
So we talk or don’t talk. Or we slam doors…which may or may not include crying (there are usually tears in my case). Or in the worse cases, someone sleeps on the couch.
But in the end, we either get back to the same page, or we accept that we’re in different places and are patient with the other.
I have found that it’s in these different places that our relationship strengthens.
We’re forced to remember why we’re together and to rely on our foundation to get us through.
If we’re really lucky, we can see the event coming and can prepare ourselves to be on different pages.
Facing the arrival of our third baby, I was armed with two previous births (which had resulted in me feeling like I was in a completely separate book), and I prepared for this page turner.
Enter the date night jar.
It cost me a whopping $3 and about 30 minutes to make and will hopefully save our door jams from future construction. It has so far.
The date jar list includes dates that can be done after the older kids go to bed while we’re adjusting to life with a newborn. It also includes dates that can get us out of the house in the evening, as well as during the day.
Because I’m Type A, they’re all organized by different types of paper. The patterned paper means we need a sitter, and solid means we don’t. My husband draws one each week a few days in advance which allows us time to prepare when necessary (like for dinner reservations or a movie).
There are many that didn’t make the cut because, despite the allure of sipping wine while painting, I just don’t think I could convince the hubs to go to Wine and Design Couple Night with me. (Any moms interested? I’m always game!) All of the dates do, however, hold promises of relationship bonding that is necessary at this time in our life.
I’m no relationship expert, and eight years of marital bliss page turning makes me far from qualified to be the next Dr. Phil. But this works for us. And I’m hopeful this list will be a good place to start to make the challenges of relationships a little brighter for you, too!
Love love love this post! Thank you for the great ideas and your openness. Also, I’m up for Wine and Design anytime’
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