I am here to share with you these nine things they never told me about pregnancy because someone should!
I have been told many times that I need to sleep while I can because the baby is going to zap me of energy. BUT no one ever told me the baby would be a dental vampire! Who knew she’d take nutrients and calcium from my teeth, rendering me with cavities and a root canal during my pregnancy. I brush twice a day and take a prenatal three times a day. I still paid more to the dentist than to my 401k this year.
Wow, I am not just talking about on your head. That is gorgeous and flowing, and until it starts to fall out I feel like a Disney Princess. From what I can see of the rest of my body, though, there is hair where only monkeys should have it. (Thankfully, at nine months, I cannot see everything on my body, which is probably a gift from God). I am not happy or proud of this hair.
I have gotten more compliments about my nails in the past nine months than I have ever received. They are growing long, strong, and beautiful. I need to keep them short, though, because I can’t change a diaper with talons.
I have never been so petrified of a bodily function in my life. When the tickle starts, I immediately panic. I am swarmed by the fear that if I happen to follow through with this sneeze I will end up having to wear a diaper. Because there will be leakage. And now that I am this big, I am honestly scared that if I sneeze my water will break! On occasion this week I have found myself actually thankful that I had just peed myself from a sneeze and wasn’t starting labor!
Speaking of being scared of a bodily function, this is another one. After my first baby I remember the intense fear of using the restroom after giving birth. I actually told my husband “I can’t push…I just can’t do it. Last time it hurt so bad.” The midwife assured me everything would return to normal, but now I am scared to sit on the toilet too long in case my pushing results in an activation of other things, like a baby! I have heard some horror stories about this. Sorry, I know this is being too honest.
Well, if we are going to be honest, let’s talk about this. You get the hormones of a 12-year-old boy with the body of a killer whale. What kind of cruel joke is that? I believe the quote goes, “the mind is willing but the flesh is weak.” Well, my flesh is not weak; there is just way too much of it. What my mind tells me it is going to feel like and what I will get out of it are mismatched. Plus, I feel like there is another being present; then I just feel like I am violating some mom code. I know my husband also struggles with not wanting to hurt me or the baby, so the result is normally tears and frustration from this killer whale. And so we watch an episode of Law and Order, which always kills the mood.
The nipples (or satellites?):
Little known fact that pregnancy nipples can actually be seen from space. I was told this is developmental so that the baby has targets for nursing, etc, but I am pretty sure targets the size of the baby’s face are a little too much. Suddenly I feel like the subject of a National Geographic photo shoot and not in a very sexy or proud way. I think women’s bodies of any shape and size are gorgeous, but this was just one of those things I was shocked to discover happening to my body.
Most of you know I have a service dog. When we go out, she wears a vest that says, “Do Not Pet Me I Am Working” or “Ask to Pet Me.” Well, on several occasions I have contemplated wearing her vest in public as individuals storm me and strangers fondle my belly. What am I supposed to say when peers ask to touch my belly? No? Is that being rude? Why are you asking? I try to just smile and be thankful for the baby getting attention and love through the act. I definitely hold my breath, though, as the individual puts their face next to my belly button to whisper sweet nothings to my baby….and my lunch.
Who would have thought I would need a rolling start for this simple act of trying to get comfortable to get to sleep. I actually feel like I need one of those cranes they used to feed the cow to the raptors in Jurassic Park to lift me, turn me, and place me back down. I actually woke my husband so that one of us could hold my belly while the other manually rolled me. In that moment I knew it was not going to be a sexy night. I felt like a cross between the cow from Jurassic Park and the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Just roll me down the hallway.
I know this list is way too much information. But, I hope you laughed, smiled, or felt a little less alien for having similar thoughts and feelings while you were pregnant. I hope the honesty helps those of you gorgeous women who are expecting or hope to be soon.